parents today want their

Put some love in your life today! Meet local singles with Zoosk, an online dating site and dating app that makes it so simple to find your perfect match. Put some love in your life today! But parents, who combined remote work with spending more time with their children, are not happy. F For Ellen, a 36-year-old mother-of-one living in Westchester County, north of New York City, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew Paperback - October 12, 1999 by Sherrie Eldridge (Author) 751 ratings Kindle $11.99 Read with Our Free App Audiobook $0.00 Free with your Audible trial Paperback $16.99 156 Used from $1.00 26 New from $10.31 Audio CD $24.04 2 New from $24.04 "Birthdays may be difficult for me." Having teens is like having a built-in audience for our would-haves and should-haves. It's like talking to our younger selves, except it seems as though they listen with half an ear and a couple of Few parents, if any, had a lesson plan in mind. The transfer of information mostly took place through everyday interactions. You tuned in to the subtle and not-so-subtle messages they sent, which influenced how you thought about yourself and the world around you. Parents often re-create with their children what they experienced with their own Over-Controlling Parents and Your Heart Another newly published Loeb study finds that psychological control at age 13 predicts having a more blunted heart rate response when under stress at age 29. The results are based on data drawn from the same group of 184 people in the above study. tiosicirbelt1982. While on the presidential campaign trail, Joe Biden made it clear where he stood on charter schools.“I am not a charter school fan,” he president, Biden’s still not. You can give him props for consistency, but his stance is increasingly out of step with families and the many states that have recently expanded public and private school choice. Extended school closures, including in some of the country’s largest public school systems, led to a “profound” impact on student learning and opportunities, says Ben DeGrow, policy director of education choice for ExcelinEd. My parents never gave me "the sex talk." This says a lot, because they were both pediatricians. But like many Asian—and non-Asian—parents, they never discussed things like puberty, sexuality, or mental health with me as a kid. Now, as the parent of a teen and a tween, I find myself working hard not to fall back into the same patterns that would have me avoiding the conversations I know I need to have with my kids. Turns out I’m hardly the only one. In a Parents sex education survey of 1,500 caregivers, 70% of parents said that they are more comfortable talking to their children about topics related to sex than their own parents were with them, and 69% believe that sex education should be mandatory in schools. Sex education, in broad terms, includes discussions about anatomy, puberty, consent and communication, and sexual harassment, abuse, and assault, but also about body image, gender identity and expression, and sexual orientation and expression. PARENTS But only a third of parents surveyed said they are familiar or very familiar with their state's sex education requirements. And while 70% of them feel prepared to talk to their kids about sex, the numbers vary when broken down by factors like gender noting that 77% of fathers feel confident in this space or ethnicity, with only 44% of Asian parents noting they feel confident talking to their kids about sex. Like my parents. So I chose to take the opposite tack with my daughter as she ventured reluctantly into puberty. I bought her a stack of carefully vetted sex education books, I stocked up on pads, got period panties a lifesaver for my little water baby during summer swim season, and I opened the door to discussion early and often. And, if there's one thing we've learned from the Parents Sex Education survey, more parents are being proactive about having conversations about sex education with their kids. Which is a great thing. But if the topic feels fraught, you're not alone. Here, some guidance on how to start—and continue—the conversation. The Onset of Puberty Has Shifted "Kids will be learning about these topics with or without us," says Rosalia Rivera, Consent Educator, Abuse Prevention Specialist, Sexual Literacy Advocate, and creator of Consent Parenting. "It's best to be proactive and create a trusting relationship that's both safe and respectful of their development. That's why it's important to start early. "Getting ahead of the curve and establishing yourself as their go-to authority on all things puberty, sex education, consent, gender, and other sensitive topics will help kids trust that you're the safe person to ask for honest, shame-free, accurate information," says Rivera. "It's about being there for your child and being their safe guide." And now, more than ever, there are resources and tools parents can use to teach themselves about sex education so they can teach their kids, too. "Let's take the shame out of it," says Cara Natterson, author of the bestselling Care and Keeping of You book series and co-host of The Puberty Podcast. "For any parents who are curious 100 percent of your children are going to go through puberty. Learning about it, teaching them about it, having those necessary conversations is critical." These days, according to the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, the onset of puberty can start as early as age eight. That means if you're waiting until your kid is tween or teen, you're already late—but it's more important than ever to start now. The Concept of The Talk'—Singular—Is Outdated In the "old days," many parents thought a single "birds and bees" chat meant they'd done their due diligence as parents. But we all know how well that turned out. That's why it's critical to start conversations about sex education early and have them often. "As parents, we all want the authority and privilege of explaining the changes in adolescence and sex education,” says Megan Michelson, director of The Birds And Bees podcast. “We want parents to start talking and keep talking." She recommends an approach that's "frequent and frank," but notes that "there is so much power in the first impression! Be proactive, not reactive. At the same time, we all know this practice requires a clear vision, direction, and a goal in mind." Sitting down for a big, serious, face-to-face conversation can be intimidating, for both parents and kids. "You can start as young as three or four years old when a child pulls a tampon out of a purse and asks, 'What is this?'" says Michelson, who is also a former middle school educator. "Rather than grab it and tell them to not touch things like that, simply say, 'Oh sweetheart, this is a tampon. [Some parents] bleed once a month, and it's called a period. A tampon helps keep things clean.' While this might be your first conversation about periods, it should not be your last." As a pediatrician and a parent, Dr. Natterson recommends parents encourage open discussion. "My mantra is talk early, talk often, talk about everything. But not all at once," she says. "We can't just sit down and information dump on our kids because that's a lecture, and it's too much. Every day offers teachable moments You might be watching a show together and press pause. You might hear a story about something that happened at school or on the field. It's never too early to start these conversations." Explain Things In Terms Your Kid Will Understand Rosalia Rivera, Creator of Consent Parenting "I like to think of these conversations as layers, like lasagna. Start with a good foundation and keep adding on throughout their different ages and stages." — Rosalia Rivera, Creator of Consent Parenting Different ages and stages will require different frameworks for approaching discussions about puberty, sexuality, identity, and consent. "I like to think of these conversations as layers, like lasagna," says Rivera. "Start with a good foundation and keep adding on throughout their different ages and stages." Books, videos, and classes like Michelson's Birds and Bees workshop can help parents learn to navigate these conversations with grace and authority. "We want parents to feel empowered to break sex education down into multiple, age-appropriate conversations that begin at a young age," Michelson says. "By answering our kids' questions in an age-appropriate way, we also have the power to normalize the changes that come along with adolescence, too. 'Where do babies come from?' 'How is that baby getting out of there?' 'What's a tampon?' are all normal questions for curious kids to ask and we want parents to feel equipped and empowered to answer them in a way that fosters confidence and open discussions." And when it comes to consent, whether you're talking to a toddler or a teen, in the end, the bottom line is the same. "The very core values of that concept are the same, whether you're talking about a toy or whether you're talking about someone's personal physical space," says Dr. Natterson. "So those types of conversations about nutrition, about respecting your own body, about pleasure, and what feels good." Michelson says speaking from a place of authority is important—and so, too, is ensuring kids that what they're experiencing is something everyone goes through. Here, an age by age, stage by stage approach to starting conversations. Toddlers It may seem strange to talk to toddlers about sex. But sex education conversations at this early stage lay the groundwork for the future—and ideally, these honest and frank chats give information on a need to know basis, establishing trust between the child and parent. "Parents should be the experts and a trusted source for their children. For example, start by addressing body parts with anatomical names," Michelson says. "This can begin as young as bathing your toddler in the tub or potty training. As they grow, find small, age-appropriate ways to address body boundaries." That may sound complicated, but it's how caregivers educate children about the world around them every day—and it works just as well here. "When discussing consent, you'd take a different approach with a toddler, talking about it in simpler terms, like sharing and not sharing, teaching what's appropriate," Dr. Natterson explains. "Like 'I'm just making sure it's okay with that person that I shared this toy they're playing with." Consent for Toddlers Conversations about consent are particularly critical at this age—and every age—so start early. "At this stage it's all about helping them understand their body autonomy, boundaries and what consent means," says Rivera. "'Did you know that your body belongs to you? And because it belongs to you, you get to say what happens to and with your body. Those body rules are called your body boundaries.'"Use clear language and definitions. "Consent at this stage can be explained as permission," says Rivera. "It can sound something like, 'When someone wants to hug you or kiss you, they should ask you first, since it's your body and you get to say what happens with and to your body.'" Little Kids As your kid grows older—and more curious—conversations around sex education will expand beyond bodily autonomy to grapple with bigger concepts. "Talking about puberty and periods before they happen helps them realize that changes like this are normal and to be expected," says Michaelson. "These matter-of-fact conversations create a shame-free place for education and communication." But how do you know your kid is ready? "Cues can be that they are asking more questions about their bodies or other people's bodies," says Rivera. "They may be exploring their own body and trying to understand the functions of their bodies. Those cues should signal to a parent that it's definitely time to talk about body literacy and safety." Consent for Little Kids Rivera says it's important to continue to incorporate the concept of consent into these chats, "helping them learn about the nuances of communicating boundaries. Allow kids to say no and support their decisions and be advocates when adults don't respect their nos. [This] helps them develop confidence for vocalizing boundaries. But also, helping them learn how to talk about how they feel if someone pushed them or hugged them without consent."This is the stage to talk to kids "about things like coercion and withdrawal," Rivera says. "This is key, because at this stage peer groups become a more prominent influence for kids. That no one should make them feel obligated to say yes or guilty for saying 'no thanks,' because they're not responsible for the feelings of others." Tweens and Teens If you've laid a foundation of conversations around anatomy, emotions, and consent, then you have a place to build from, says Michaelson. But for many parents and caregivers, their kids' tween and teen years may be the start of their experience with sex education. Starting these conversations early—and having them often—is critical because these days kids are inundated by more information than ever. "If your kid has a question and you don't want to answer it, they're going to seek out the answer. And they live in a world where they can get an answer," says Dr. Natterson. "As parents and adults who are in the lives of these kids, we are at a crossroads where we have a choice. Either the information can come from us, or we can outsource it. Probably to the Internet or to their 12-year-old friends, and I'm not sure what, which is worse, right?" Consent for Tweens and Teens With tweens and teens, things can get more complicated as they find themselves navigating peer groups—online and IRL. "For kids who are navigating the online space, the topic of consent can be translated into internet safety and what's safe and appropriate for peers to ask of them online," Rivera says. "Letting kids know that the same boundaries that they applied about their bodies, also apply in digital spaces. Remind them that they have body autonomy, and that includes virtual autonomy in the digital space."She recommends talking your child through "what if" scenarios so they know how they would handle situations that might come up. "This will give you a lot of information about their understanding of boundaries, consent and how they would communicate these understandings to peers," Rivera explains. Keep the Conversation Going Dr. Natterson reminds parents that the access kids have to information today carries greater risks, too. "Kids who have access to the Internet have access to pornography. It finds them, you know," she says. "So caregivers need to arm kids with really good, healthy information and have those conversations." While that may sound intimidating, "Sometimes it's as simple as, 'You might see a naked person on the Internet. If that happens, you didn't do anything wrong, but come talk to me because we can talk about what you saw and how you're feeling,'" Dr. Natterson says. "You don't want to get so far ahead of it that your kid's not ready to have the conversation. But you do want to be baby-stepping your way into these conversations, and by saying to a child, 'It's not your fault. I'm not going to be mad,' you are leaving the door open should something come up." Cara Natterson, author of The Care and Keeping of You "Even when you say something wrong, or it doesn't resonate, or it embarrasses your kid, having had the conversation is good. When it doesn't land, go back and have it again. And if they haven't heard you, listen to them. Conversation is two ways, and not just us telling our kids how it is, but that they tell us what life is like for them, what's real for them, and what language they're using." — Cara Natterson, author of The Care and Keeping of You And if at first you don't succeed? Definitely try again. It's okay if it feels awkward. "Kids are supposed to be curious and ask questions—it's part of healthy child development," Michelson says. "Just because it's normal doesn't mean it's easy to answer them." In the long run, your relationship with your children will be better for it. "Even when you say something wrong, or it doesn't resonate, or it embarrasses your kid, having had the conversation is good," Dr. Natterson says. "When it doesn't land, go back and have it again. And if they haven't heard you, listen to them. Conversation is two ways, and not just us telling our kids how it is, but that they tell us what life is like for them, what's real for them, and what language they're using." If anything, that's the real message this Parents sex education survey is sending. It’s about creating an open, comfortable relationship, a place where your child feels safe asking questions or raising concerns. And like many parents, that’s what I have to remind myself the conversation comes up again, as it inevitably will. Ian Pierpoint of Synovate, a market research company, surveyed 1,000 parents who lived with children ages 12 to 30 and an additional 500 children in the same age range in the UK, and Canada. The survey found that 43 percent of parents say they want to be their child’s best friend. 40 percent would buy their children everything they wanted if they could. 37 percent would prefer their kids at home at all times because they want to protect them. 71 percent of parental child purchases are made without any child request. Parents guessed what their teen or young adult wanted, rather than getting something he or she asked for. 47 percent of the teens say they intend to stay home as long as they can. 41 percent of 20-24-year-olds are living at home. 56 percent of parents are in no hurry for their children to leave home. 72 percent of parents would welcome their children back at any time. 65 percent of teens believe their parents “try hard to be a friend.” 40 percent of teens indicated they would raise their own kids differently. Source Ketut Subiyanto/Pexels A best-friend parent “doesn’t give you rules and tell you what to do," Pierpoint says. Best-friend parents interviewed for this study felt their own parents didn’t understand them, and so they want to be seen by their children as someone who is fun to be around, listens, and is non-judgmental. Sources personal communication with Ian Pierpoint, and a USA Today article. Becoming an epidemic In the article, “If your mom’s your best friend, who’s your mother?” psychologist Steven Poulter claims, “This really is an epidemic. Because of unresolved issues with their parents, some parents today don’t want to be so hard and just want their children to like them. At the end of a long working day, they don’t want conflict.” Best-friend parents Best-friend parenting raises several questions. What does it mean to be a friend? What does it mean to parent? Can parents be friends with their children, and in doing so, do they abdicate parental responsibilities in exchange for friendship? How is a friend-to-friend relationship different from a parent-to-child relationship? Is there a difference between being a friend and being friendly? Is being a best-friend parent good for children, or is it a form of childhood overindulgence? If so, what type of overindulgence? Source Nicole Michalou/Pexels I would argue that the roles of parent and friend are very different—perhaps even conflicting. The Oxford English Dictionary defines a parent as “a person who holds the position or exercises the functions of a parent; a protector, guardian.” Friends are on the same level as you, equal in power, while parents should hold more power than their children. Parents should be friendly but should resist the urge to become best friends. That can happen when the child becomes an adult. When children are young, parents have very clear jobs. They make decisions in the best interests of a child’s development. They say yes and no appropriately. They are role models. They teach. They mentor. From time to time, they insist. They stand fast as consultants to their children as their children become ever more skillful and responsible. They act to keep children safe. They discipline. These are not the hallmarks of an equalized friend relationship. Friendly, yes. Best friend, no. What happens when a parent discusses sensitive issues with their child? Koerner, Wallace, Lehman et al. 2002 researched mother-adolescent daughter relationships post-divorce and the impact of sharing sensitive information. They found “that detailed mother-to-daughter disclosures regarding financial concerns, negativity toward ex-husband, job ups-and-downs, and personal concerns were clearly associated with greater daughter psychological distress, but not with greater feelings of mother-daughter closeness, as existing retrospective research would have predicted.” Glenwick and Mowrey 1986 found that when parents abdicated the parental role in which the mother functioned as a peer/partner, it required clinical intervention to reestablish her parental role, resolve conflicts, and improve parent-child communication patterns. Apply the Test of Four Is being a best-friend parent good for children, or a form of childhood overindulgence? The Test of Four says parents may be overindulging if the answer to one or more of the following questions is “yes” Will being a best-friend parent interfere with or slow down what my child needs to learn at this age? Yes. Children in this study and our studies reported growing up without many of the life skills needed to function as adults because their best-friend parent did things for them. Will being a best-friend parent mean spending a disproportionate amount of family resources on one or more of my children? Yes. When asked, 40 percent said they would buy their children everything they wanted, and 73 percent guess and then buy things for their children without asking. Is best-friend parenting done to benefit the parent more than the child? Yes. They said they were parenting this way because they felt their own parents didn’t understand them. They want their children to accept them. Does best-friend parenting potentially harm others, society, or the planet in some way? Possibly. Children raised by best-friend parents won’t follow the rules because their parents didn’t set guidelines, rules, or boundaries. Best-friend parenting = All three types of overindulgence I believe best-friend parenting is a form of childhood overindulgence. It overindulges children in all three ways too much, over-nurture, and soft structure. Best-friend parents buy everything for their children too much. They want to protect their children by keeping them home as long as they can and catering to their every desire over-nurture. They do not set limits or enforce rules soft structure. Further, our research shows that overindulgence harms children, and they, too, are more likely to become less effective parents when they grow up. Tips for avoiding overindulgence Be friendly to your children, but don’t try to be their best friend. Expect your children to do chores. Develop meaningful relationships with the adults in your life. Set limits and discuss them with your children. Enforce the limits you set. If you are over-involved with your child, begin the process of emancipation in a thoughtful and caring way for both of you. Practice Aloha. Do all things with love, grace, and gratitude. © 2021 David J. Bredehoft References Bredehoft, D. J., Mennicke, S. A., Potter, A. M., & Clarke, J. I. 1998. Perceptions attributed by adults to parental overindulgence during childhood. Journal of Family and Consumer Sciences Education, 162, 3-17. Koerner, Wallace, S., Lehman, et al. 2002. Mother-to-daughter disclosure after divorce Are there costs and benefits? Journal of Child and Family Studies 114, 469-483. Glenwick, D. S., & Mowrey, J. D. 1986. When parent becomes peer Loss of intergenerational boundaries in single parent families. Family Relations, 351, 57–62. Source pexels Stuff. No matter how valuable, how beautiful, how family-historic, or how meaningful some of our “stuff” is, most millennials don’t want it. To them, a set of china, crystal, sterling flatware, our grandmother’s tea service, or that cherished dining set with the matching hutch are things they not only politely refuse to take on, but will also have to deal with getting rid of when we’re gone. It’s interesting to think first about why we, as boomers, put so much value on it, and then turn around and wonder why our kids don’t. In my mind, there is a psychology built on what each generation considers important, making it easier to judge one another instead of understanding the reasoning. Women in my age range tsk-tsk at how their children’s generation would readily haul off their parents’ valuables to a thrift store after they’re gone instead of displaying it, treasuring it, and telling the stories behind it to the next generation. But I get it. I really do. My war-generation parents loved to share their belongings with grace. They threw formal cocktail parties and had elaborate dinners with elegantly-set tables on lovely furniture, leaving nothing to chance — with attention paid right down to the last butter knife, wine decanter, coffee cup and saucer, and dessert plate sitting on a nearby breakfront, poised to be placed on the table the moment the main course was finished. Our house was spotless, with all beds made to perfection just in case a guest wanted a tour. And no, my family was not wealthy. They were formed from the stereotypical single-income, middle- class that no longer exists — the one that took great took pride in owning at least one car, taking yearly 2-week vacations, and entertaining their friends and family at any time of year. Frugality was a learned art for them. Lights were turned off when not in use. Saturday was “bath” night. Rubber bands were collected, foil was washed and re-used, and mothers regularly lost their voices yelling out windows to get their kids home by dark. Planning a dinner party was not for the purposes of showing off; it was, rather, for “treating” their guests, and most of the time there was an unspoken sense of reciprocation that went along with it. I would hear the "company" say, “It’s our turn to have you over next!” as the lipsticked wives donned their perfumed coats and white gloves to head out the door after an evening of alcohol, bad jokes, dinner, music, and laughter. Enter the boomers — their now-grown kids. The ones told not to touch the hors d'oeuvres or dessert and sent to bed early so "adulting" could take place. While deeply appreciating what our parents’ generation handed us as well as their wartime or immigrant sacrifices, we may have begun our married lives trying to emulate our entertaining parents with the best of intentions. But by the time we grew up, things had changed. Boomer moms were more educated and career-oriented, having more options than any generation of women before them. Having the kind of "lifestyle" we sought required two incomes. No longer were there weeks on end to prepare for a fancy night of entertaining. Those were reserved for holidays only. Our own kids noticed sets of dishes, crystal, and flatware were brought out only rarely, knowing the rest of the year they took up recesses in closets, cabinets, and labeled boxes. As a young adult, I came to the conclusion that I no longer needed to try to be my own saintly mother — even worse — I knew could never come close to the kind of domestically-proud woman she was anyway. While she gazed lovingly at the lit-up contents of her china cabinet, I wondered why we had to have a department store window in our dining room — a place that was simply kept dusted all the time and rarely used as she got older. And when I got into my 50s, long after Mom was gone, I sold my own china cabinet. My dinnerware all got shoved into a cabinet underneath our stairs — accessible but no longer featured. While I enjoy entertaining, I stopped using my china and silver wedding gifts from long, long ago and began opting for the fun Crate & Barrel stuff with Pier 1 linens. Guests seemed more at ease with less dressy place settings, and I was gung-ho to make them feel comfortable, as they arrived in casual clothing greeted by their hosts sporting the same look. Now? I am still hanging on to a few items I truly love, but recently I snapped smartphone photos of the objects or collections I am willing to let go of, asking my daughter about her level of interest in any of it. “I already have an obscene amount of STUFF,” she told me. And while I know she cherishes a few odds and ends from my mom a pair of mid-century modern loveseats, for instance, there is really nothing of mine she wants. Millennials tend to be minimalists. Formal dining rooms are not a requirement. And they’re happy to use their everyday plates to serve their “hang-out” guests. Chicago Tribune’s Denise Crosby, writing about succeeding generations, says, “Auctioneers and appraisers, junk haulers and moving companies all seem to be echoing the same thing The market is flooded with baby boomer rejects. And they cite a number of reasons our kids are turning down the possessions we so generously offer to them. They rent rather than own, live in smaller spaces, collect more digital than physical items, and tend to put their money toward experiences rather than things.” I made the decision, therefore, to sell some of my things and use the money for our next big trip, whenever the world is ready to let us travel again. There are sites like eBay, Craigslist, Facebook Marketplaces, and tons of silver and china-buying venues happy to share in the profit. While I once thought of passing down things to my daughter, I realized that all I would be doing at this point is burdening her with a collection of things she will either need to find a home for or bequeath to a thrift store. And I feel no resentment about it whatsoever, because what she values is not the physical things that I possess. She values who I am. And, someday — who I was. So I regularly contribute chapters to my own life memoir as much of it as I can recall so that she and any future generations might know something about me they never have been otherwise privy to. It is my gift to her. Somehow, I know that is more valuable than a crystal goblet. Facebook image Elena Elisseeva/Shutterstock

parents today want their